Gundam Wing: The Unfinished Symphony
***** Okay, this is one weird fic! Unless you have played Konami's Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, you'll probably have a hard time understanding exactly why and how this is a spoof...and that will probably make the jokes less humorous. *coughs* For the unenlightened here is a short explanation. Milliardo is portraying Alucard, infamous son of Dracula and vampire slayer. Duo is Dracula, lord of darkness. Wufei is the dark priest called Shaft who resurrected Dracula in the game. Heero is a vampire slayer called Richter Belmont. Relena is Maria, a female vampire hunter. Trowa and Quatre were turned into demon and fairy familiars, respectively. And last but not least, Treize is the undead librarian. That probably won't help much, but there you have it. ^_^;; *****
He awoke with a start. There was a moment of panic as he realized he was encased in some sort of box. "I know I had a little too much to drink last night, but surely I wasn't dead drunk," Zechs muttered to himself, pushing at all the side of the box with all his might. Upon pushing upward, the lid fell off with a thud. Sitting up, he blinked. Candles were strewn around what appeared to be a cavernous room with no furnishing to it save one, the coffin he was currently sitting in. Zechs regarded the box with raised eyebrows. "Hmm. What an interesting predicament indeed."
Heero Belmont snapped his whip thoughtfully. He would have preferred his handy gun, but when one is in a strange place, one uses what's at hand. Wandering up a long flight of stairs, he wondered not for the first time in the past few minutes, how he had appeared in some strange castle wearing clothes from the Sank Kingdom. He felt a faint resemblance to Trieze in his blue and white costume. He entered into a large throne room draped with red banners over jade monster-head carvings. All in all, the affect was very Gothic and spooky. Heero yawned.
"Who dares challenge the mighty vampire lord, Du-cula?"
Heero's mouth twitched in what passed for a smile. "I'm going to kill you."
Du-cula raised his glass of Cool-Aid in a mock salute to the other boy. He lounged idly on the throne, his black cape and outfit offsetting his brown hair nicely. However, instead of his normal braid, his hair hung down his back in soft waves. He kept licking his teeth, trying to hold in place the fangs he'd glued in with Fixadent.
"I was called here by Humans. It's not my fault I was once again given flesh," he said with a pout. "I'd rather be out sucking...um, blood. Yeah, that's it. Blood." He looked slightly embarrassed. "Anyway, what fault is it if people like to pay me tribute?"
"Tribute," Heero repeated, snapping his whip. "I'll show you tribute. Come over here and get on your knees and show me just what sort of vampire you are." He snapped the whip again, making Du-cula jump a little in his seat.
"Say, you're pretty handy with that thing," he said with a nervous smile. "It's kinda kinky. If I promise not to steal any more souls, can I be your sex slave?" Heero arched an eyebrow and Du-cula sighed. "I didn't think so. I guess this conversation is over. Time for me to kick you in the head." Tossing his empty glass to the side, he jumped off his throne, tripped on his cape, and landed in a heap at Heero's feet. There was a whistling sound and suddenly Du-cula felt a hot sting on his rear. "OW! No fair! I wasn't ready!"
"I can't believe this," Quatre moaned, fluttering his wings with a sniffle, trying to pull down his green tunic to hide his cloud-white panties. Trowa slyly slid his forked tail up under Quatre's skirt just to tease him.
"I think you look cute," he said softly, humor lacing his voice. Quatre pouted.
"Easy for you to say. You don't have to look like a butterfly."
"You LIKE butterflies," Trowa pointed out, cupping his chin thoughtfully. Quatre shook his head.
"I like LOOKING at them, not BEING one!" he shouted, sitting down and wailing.
"Who's sick idea was this? Why are we here? And where are we anyway?"
"I dunno. The last thing I remember was drinking some of Wufei's special home recipe and then watching him, Duo, and Zechs playing Castlevania."
Quatre sniffled again, and tried to unsuccessfully cover himself again. "This stinks."
"Okay, so here I am in Castlevania," Zechs muttered to himself, trudging through the forest, admiring his black and gold outfit. "Even if this is just a dream, I look bad-ass!" Looking around, he made sure no-one heard that little remark. The only thing he saw were a couple owls and they weren't telling anyone anything. When the giant castle loomed into his vision, he smirked, patting his sword. "Just call me Milliucard Peacecraft Tepes." Walking through the gate, it clanged shut behind him but he was hardly worried. A large wolf-dog came out of nowhere and snarled at him. "Get lost, mutt!" he shouted. The dog cringed and slunk away yelping. He smiled, feeling unaccountably smug. "Bad-ass," he repeated in glee.
"Like you MEAN it, boy!" Du-cula was bent over his throne, pants around his ankles, his bottom a bright red. Heero wiped sweat from his forehead and grimaced.
"Hey, aren't you a vampire? And don't vampires suck? When do I get my turn?" he demanded. Du-cula scowled.
"I'm a very bad boy, Heero!" the vampire wannabe whined plaintively. "I need to be punished for my crimes! Come on! Be a good sport and whip me some more..." But Heero shook his head.
"I can't. My arms are tired," he stated. Suddenly, Relena came running out of nowhere.
"Heeeeeeeeeeroooooo!" she cried. "Heero, your strength!" She threw a bottle of vitamins at him, hard. Heero didn't think she was going to do something like that, so he didn't even think to dodge it. The bottle hit him in the head.
"Ouch," he said, though not like he meant it.
"There's your damn chewable tablets," she shouted, tears in her eyes. "I can't believe you and Du-cula would do this sort of disgusting thing! What about me? I'm supposed to be the heroine here!" So saying, she fled, crying her eyes out. Du-cula sighed and pulled up his pants.
"I guess I know when I'm beat," he said with a sigh. "I'll be off to Hell now."
"Can't you go after I've gotten my payment?" Heero was stepping from one foot to the other, uncomfortably. "All that whipping you and hearing you moan... I demand satisfaction!"
"Can't. I'd love to stay, but you do the crime you do the time. Later." So saying, Du-cula faded away. Heero Belmont felt like whining himself, but he didn't. Instead, he wondered if he could catch up to Relena and abuse her with his whip.
"Trowa, I'm hungry," Quatre said, sitting on a stone step. Trowa pointed.
"You could eat that convenient turkey sitting there," he suggested.
"Ew! Who knows where it's been!"
"How about these grapes we found? Or some dim sum?"
"This is all the work of Wufei, I know it is. Notice how he hasn't shown up once in this whole story yet? I bet he rigged it all with that silly milkshake of his."
Trowa nodded. "Divine Justice is a bad name for a drink," he agreed.
"BOOKS!" Milliucard shrieked. He ran about the giant library like a kid in a candy store.
He looked around in puzzlement before shrugging. This was a strange dream but if it had books, it couldn't be ALL bad... What else could happen? His wandering steps brought him to the fiction section and he began scanning the titles. Seeing one that looked interesting, he picked it up and headed for the circulation desk.
"Hello, can I check this book out please?" he asked politely of the man behind the desk. Then he gasped. "Trieze? Is that you?"
"Indeed it is, my friend." He gave Milliucard an appraising look. "You look...um, taller."
Milliucard shrugged, "These boots seem to have a two-inch lift to them that discreetly increases my height. What can I say? So, what are you doing here?"
"Desk job," Treize sighed, waving at the troublesome piece of furniture. "How I envy you, my dearest friend. You're so free...Like the wind."
Milliucard nodded. "Just like the wind, I've always been," he agreed. "Drifting high up in a sky that never ends. Through thick and thin, I always win 'cause I would fight both life and death to save a friend."
"Just so," Treize agreed. He looked at the book his companion held in his gloved hand and pointed at it. "Unfortunately, I cannot aid one who invades Romefeller property."
"Romefeller owns this?"
"You think Du-cula could afford this place? I rather think not."
"Oh, well. I was kinda hoping for something to pass the time, but I guess I'll just wander around some more. Thank you anyway, Treize." As he turned to go, however, Trieze caught his arm.
"Don't leave yet," he purred. "Stay with me a while. It's been so long since I've seen you..."
"That's because you're dead," Zechs reminded him. But despite knowing this, he couldn't ignore the hand on his arm, the way Trieze's eyes were undressing him with their look. "Oh, why not?" he said at last, throwing Trieze down on the desk. "Let's catch up on old times."
"Ow! Heero, you sadistic pervert! Stop that!"
"OW! Hey! Relena, when did you learn how to use a whip?!"
"I have many skills," she snapped. "You were just never man enough to come and find out." Pulling a couple rings from her pocket, she handed them over. "Here. Why don't you go hang yourself in the clock room in the Marble Gallery?" So saying, she stormed away. Heero sighed.
"Does this mean I don't get a little gold star on my report card, Miss Relena?" he sneered after her.
"You were always the impulsive one, Zechs," Trieze smiled, taking a drag off the Holy Symbol that Milliucard had found that resembled something of a bong. "And I'm glad you haven't lost your touch." Zechs returned the smile.
"Thank you, my dear. But now I really must be off. I have to save the world."
"I thought you wanted to blow it up?" Treize asked innocently.
"If you weren't already dead, I'd be forced to hurt you," the blond Alucard wannabe said in not so amused tones.
Heero attached the rope to the hour hand of the clock and placed his head in the noose. Putting both rings on his hands, the clock spun all around that the floor opened under him. There was a sickening drop and then his head snapped back. Heero waited. "Damn it," he said at last. "I knew I should have used the room of spikes..." Cutting himself down, he casually snapped his dislocated vertebrate back into place, the same way he'd popped every other bone in his body at one time or another. He free-fell down the shaft until he reached an elevator. Getting inside, he let it lower him to the bottom. There was a rope ladder leading over the edge of the platform he was standing on. Shrugging, he followed it down.
Once at the bottom, he found another one in the center of the room. So, up the ladder he went. As he cleared the last wrung, he saw Du-cula on his knees, munching happilly on what looked to be a very messy cherry-filled doughnut. He was resting at the feet of a Chinese-clad, genie-like boy. "Wufei?!"
"That's the Dark Priest Called Tunnel," was the curt reply.
"I still think you should have called yourself Shaft," the vampire said, slurping on the dying doughnut's innards.
"Don't talk with your mouth full! Tunnel, shaft, it's all the same. This is my Divine Justice!"
"I thought it was a frothy pink mixture of ginger-ale, tequila, grenadine, and crushed ice?" Heero shook his head wonderingly. "Oh, who cares? I'm going to kill you...er, both."
"Not if I get to them first, you don't," Milliucard said, stepping out of the shadows. Relena stood beside him, her arms crossed, staunchly ignoring Heero and Du-cula. "You claim to love the darkness. Go back to whenst you came and dwell there for all eternity!" Drawing his sword, he prepared to rush at the panting priest. However, there was an obstacle by the name of Relena in his way.
"No more fighting!" she screamed. "Can't we all just talk about this like normal people?"
"Not until you all admit I'm the greatest warrior who ever lived!" The Dark Priest Called Tunnel stated. He allowed his vampire cohort to finish licking his fingers free of red fluid before they got to their feet. "Come on! Tell me I'm the man!"
"You're a pain in the butt!" Quatre the fairy dropped out of nowhere and hovered a few inches away from Wufei's face. "What sort of sick, demented joke is this?" He pointed at his little green tunic. "I'm not please by this, not one bit. And neither is Trowa. Right?"
"If you say so," Trowa the demon said, also coming down to hover beside his friend. "May I ask what you were smoking when you make those drinks?"
"Wait! Whaddya MEAN the end?!" Milliucard demanded, pointing at the little sign that hovered above their heads. "Nothing has been resolved yet! The ending can't come in the middle of the story!"
"He's got a point," Quatre agreed somberly.
"Heero, can you whip me some more?" Du-cula whines plaintively.
"No! You're MY servant of darkness!" Wufei laughed before he accidentally inhaled Trowa and started coughing before he finally managed to spit him out. "As the sign says, it's over. That's it. That's all she wrote."
"All who wrote?" Relena asked curiously. No one had an answer. And somewhere in the depths of space and time, a demonic little girl dressed in green laughed her head off in insane delight.
The REAL End
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